Why We Keep Having the Same Fight

The Real Reason You’re Stuck on Repeat—And How to Break the Cycle

By Stefanie Bruce, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)

How often do you feel like you’re having the same argument in your relationship, even if the topic changes each time? If your answer is “most of the time” or even “always,” you’re not alone.

While securely attached couples are often able to navigate conflict and repair without falling into toxic patterns, many of us didn’t grow up with healthy models for handling emotional distress and reconnection. Instead, we learned early on—often unconsciously—how to protect ourselves when closeness felt unsafe or unreliable.

Maybe you grew up in a home where problems were quietly swept under the rug. Or perhaps your caregiver exploded in anger anytime you made a mistake. In these environments, your attachment system—especially the amygdala, the brain’s alarm centre—gets activated. This can trigger a fight-or-flight response, and over time, you develop strategies to cope with the threat of your emotional needs not being met. You might have withdrawn to your room when a caregiver was angry, lashed out in defiance, or acted out in the hope that someone would finally see your pain. These protective strategies often follow us into our adult relationships, playing out in repeated cycles of conflict that feel all too familiar.

Understanding Attachment Needs and Missed Signals

At the heart of these repeated conflicts are our attachment needs—the fundamental human drive for connection and belonging. While these needs vary in intensity and form from person to person, they tend to center around feeling safe, secure, valued, validated, and comforted in close relationships. Understanding what your attachment needs are takes self-reflection—and expressing them requires vulnerability.

Because this can feel uncomfortable or unfamiliar, many of us communicate our needs indirectly. Instead of clearly asking for reassurance or closeness, we send signals—often shaped by the relational templates formed in childhood. When those signals go unnoticed or are misread, we may default to familiar behaviors like shutting down, becoming defensive, or reacting with anger. These are often protective strategies, but they can unintentionally push our partners away, keeping the cycle going.

The Most Common Negative Cycles 

Negative cycles of interaction in couplehood are generally predictable and tend to present in one of three ways. The most common pattern, known in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)—an evidence-based, attachment-rooted approach to couples therapy—is the pursuer–withdrawer dynamic. In this cycle, one partner seeks connection through protest or pursuit, while the other retreats to avoid perceived criticism or conflict. If both partners actively blame or make demands of each other, conflict escalates quickly in what's called a pursuer–pursuer pattern. Alternatively, if both partners tend to shut down or avoid confrontation altogether, it forms a withdrawer–withdrawer pattern. Recognizing your typical response during conflict helps you see how your behaviour is shaped by the feeling that the attachment bond between you and your partner is under threat.

How to Break the Cycle

Breaking these patterns starts with awareness. Once you begin to recognize the cycle you and your partner are caught in—not just what you're fighting about, but how you're fighting—you can start to shift from blame to understanding.

Here are a few steps to begin disrupting the cycle:

1. Name the Pattern Together
   Talk about the dynamic as something you both co-create, rather than placing blame. For example, “I notice when I get anxious and push for closeness, you tend to pull away—and then I get louder.” Naming the cycle helps externalize it, turning the problem into the cycle, not each other.

2. Take Emotional Risks—Gently
   Vulnerably sharing your needs (“I’m feeling really disconnected right now and need to know you’re still with me”) can begin to shift the conversation from conflict to connection. This kind of openness can be scary but is essential for building trust.

3. Slow It Down
   When you're in the heat of an argument, take a pause. Slowing things down allows your nervous system to regulate and gives space for more reflective responses rather than reactive ones. If, after slowing down, you still feel unable to stay calm, take space responsibly by letting your partner know you need time and commit to revisit the conversation when you're feeling more emotionally regulated. 

4. Shift from Blame to Curiosity
   When tension rises, it’s easy to default to blame: “You always…” or “You never…” But blame shuts down dialogue. Curiosity opens it up. Ask yourself: What might be going on for my partner right now? What are they feeling or needing that I might not be seeing? Shifting into curiosity—even just for a moment—can soften the dynamic and create space for empathy and repair.

5. Seek Support if You’re Stuck
   These patterns are often deeply ingrained and hard to shift alone. Working with a couples therapist can help you both feel safer, seen, and better understood.

The Good News

Getting stuck in negative cycles doesn’t mean your relationship is broken—it means you’re human. With awareness, vulnerability, and support, you can transform these repetitive conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection. After all, the fight is rarely about the dishes —it's about the longing to feel close, safe, and loved.

---