Is It Me or My Nervous System? Understanding Your Triggers in Conflict
Ever find yourself reacting in a way that feels bigger than the moment? Maybe your partner forgets to text, and suddenly you're spiraling into feelings of rejection. Or maybe they bring up something that bothers them, and you shut down completely—even though a part of you wants to stay present.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And no, you’re not "too much" or "too sensitive." More often than not, these moments aren't just about what’s happening right now. They’re about what your nervous system has learned to protect you from in the past.
The Nervous System’s Job: Keep You Safe
Your nervous system is wired to protect you. When it senses danger—whether physical or emotional—it kicks into gear. This is your fight-flight-freeze response. And while it’s great for real danger, like slamming on the brakes to avoid a car accident, it’s not so great when what’s “dangerous” is a difficult conversation with someone you care about.
Emotional triggers—like feeling unheard, dismissed, criticized, or abandoned—can light up your nervous system in the same way as physical threats. The difference? These emotional responses often come from early experiences, even if we don’t consciously remember them.
The Body Keeps the Score
That tight chest, clenched jaw, or racing heart? Your body’s trying to tell you something. In moments of conflict, your body reacts first—sometimes before your brain has a chance to catch up. If you grew up in an environment where conflict felt unsafe, or where your needs weren’t reliably met, your nervous system might now default to defense mode, even when no one’s actually trying to hurt you.
You might:
Fight: get louder, more defensive, or critical
Flight: want to run from the conversation entirely
Freeze: go numb, space out, or feel paralyzed
Fawn: quickly try to smooth things over, even if it means ignoring your own feelings
Awareness is the First Step
When you recognize that your body is reacting to a perceived threat, not necessarily a real one, you gain the power to respond differently. You don’t have to be ruled by the intensity of the moment.
Try asking yourself:
What am I feeling in my body right now?
Does this reaction feel familiar—like something I’ve felt before?
Is this about this moment, or is something older being stirred up?
Regulate First, Then Relate
You can’t connect clearly when your nervous system is in survival mode. So the goal isn’t to “fix it” immediately—it’s to help your body feel safe again.
A few ways to regulate:
Take slow, deep breaths. (Try inhaling for 4 counts, exhaling for 6.)
Place a hand on your heart or belly and offer yourself a grounding phrase like, “It’s okay to slow down.”
Step away briefly to move your body—go for a walk, stretch, shake out tension.
Come back when you feel more grounded, and try to engage with curiosity rather than reactivity.
Give Yourself Grace
You’re not broken. You’re human. Your reactions are shaped by your experiences, not a flaw in who you are. The more you understand your nervous system, the more space you create to make different choices—not just for your relationships, but for your own well-being.
So next time you’re caught in the middle of a heated moment, pause and check in: Is it me—or is it my nervous system? That small shift in awareness might be the first step toward a calmer, more connected way of relating.