What Gets in the Way of Cherishing (And How to Work Through It)
In strong relationships, cherishing your partner isn’t just something that happens naturally—it’s something you choose to do. It’s an intentional act: seeing the good in your partner, appreciating their presence, and valuing who they are, even when things aren’t perfect.
But let’s be honest. Cherishing isn’t always easy.
There are moments—sometimes long stretches—when it feels hard to access warmth or tenderness. You might love your partner deeply, but still feel distant or guarded. And that’s where individual responsibility comes in.
The way you show up in your relationship matters. When something’s getting in the way of your ability to cherish, the first step is to look inward—not to blame yourself, but to gently get curious about what might be blocking connection.
What gets in the way of cherishing?
Unspoken or unresolved hurts.
When we carry around emotional pain that hasn’t been acknowledged—whether it’s from our partner, our past, or both—it can harden into resentment. And resentment doesn’t leave much room for cherishing. It creates emotional distance, making tenderness feel out of reach. Often, healing begins when that hurt is named and expressed with honesty and care. The goal isn’t to “get over it,” but to create enough space for connection to grow again.
Old protective habits.
Many of us have learned, often early in life, to protect ourselves by shutting down, becoming critical, or trying to control the situation. These habits might have served a purpose at one point, but in an intimate relationship, they can get in the way of closeness. Learning to recognize these patterns—and practicing new, more open ways of relating—is part of growing into a more loving version of ourselves.
Scorekeeping and entitlement.
It’s easy to fall into the mindset of “Why should I give more when they don’t?” or to keep tabs on who’s putting in more effort. But that way of thinking can turn your relationship into a battleground, rather than a place of care. Cherishing doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs—it means valuing your partner not because they’re perfect, but because you’ve made a commitment to nurture the relationship.
Emotional exhaustion.
Sometimes the biggest barrier to cherishing is simply being worn out. Stress, lack of sleep, mental overload—these things can drain our emotional reserves and make patience or tenderness feel like too much to ask. Taking care of your own well-being—getting rest, setting boundaries, making space for your own emotions—isn’t separate from your relationship work. It’s foundational to it.
Moving back toward cherishing
When you notice yourself feeling disconnected or closed off, pause and reflect:
What’s really going on for me right now?
Is there a wound here that hasn’t been acknowledged?
Am I telling myself a story about my partner that leaves no room for their good intentions?
What would it look like to lead with care, even just a little?
You can begin to shift the dynamic by making small but powerful moves: offering a kind word when you're tempted to be sharp, expressing vulnerability instead of criticism, choosing to notice what your partner is doing right rather than what they're doing wrong.
Cherishing starts with you.
It’s not about pretending everything is fine or giving without limits. It’s about taking responsibility for the way you show up—and deciding, again and again, to value your partner and the relationship you're building together.
When you do that, you create a space where connection has room to return.