The Urge to Fix vs. the Power of Just Being Heard
When someone we love is hurting, most of us do the same thing: we try to fix it. We offer solutions, reframe the situation, point out the silver lining, or gently try to talk them out of how they feel. It comes from a good place - we care, and we want the pain to stop.
But most of the time, that’s not what people need first.
Why We Rush to Fix
The urge to fix is deeply human. When someone we love is in distress, we feel it too. Their discomfort activates ours, and problem-solving is one of the fastest ways to make that discomfort go away - for both of us.
The trouble is, when we jump to solutions before someone feels heard, we accidentally send an unspoken message: your feelings are a problem to be solved. And that can leave people feeling more alone than before they came to us.
What People Actually Need First
Before strategies or advice and before the silver lining - people need to feel heard and understood.
Being truly heard means someone receives your experience without immediately trying to change it. It means they can stay with you in the discomfort rather than rushing past it. And it is a rarer gift than we realize.
Think about a time when you shared something difficult and the other person jumped straight into advice mode. Even if the advice was good, something probably felt alittle off. Now think about a time when someone simply said, “That sounds really hard. I get why you feel that way.” That sense of being understood - that’s what people are actually hungry for.
The Work of Sitting with Discomfort
Here’s the honest part: being a good listener requires something of us. It asks us to stay present with someone else’s pain without rushing to resolve it. And we can only do that if we’ve developed some capacity to sit with our own discomfort first.
If you notice yourself constantly moving into fix-it mode, it’s worth asking honestly: whose discomfort am I actually trying to relieve?
This isn’t a criticism - it’s an invitation. Learning to pause, stay present, and simply be with someone in a hard moment is one of the most meaningful things you can offer. And it starts with practicing that same patience with yourself.
A Few Ways to Practice
Next time someone comes to you with something difficult, try this before offering any advice:
Take a breath and remind yourself: my job right now is to understand, not to solve.
Ask a question instead of offering a solution: “What’s been the hardest part of this for you?”
Reflect back what you heard: “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed and a little unseen - is that right?”
And only then, ask: “Would it be helpful if I shared some thoughts, or do you just need me to listen right now?”
That last question alone can change everything.