What Validation Really Means (And What It Doesn’t)
If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone in my office say, “I’m not going to validate that because I don’t agree,” - I would have a very full piggy bank.
It’s one of the most common misconceptions I come across in my work with couples, and it gets in the way of connection more than almost anything else: the belief that to validate someone is to say they are right. It isn’t.
What Validation Actually Is
Validation is the act of acknowledging that someone’s feelings make sense - given who they are, what they’ve been through, and what they experienced in a particular moment. It is not an endorsement of their conclusions, their behaviour, or their interpretation of events.
You can validate someone’s feelings while completely disagreeing with their perspective.
Here’s a simple example. Your partner says, “You never pay attention to me anymore.” You know that isn’t literally true - you were just together all weekend. But instead of defending yourself, which is almost always the first impulse, what if you said: “I can hear that you’ve been feeling disconnected lately, and I understand why that’s hard.”
You haven’t agreed that you will never pay attention. You’ve acknowledged the feeling underneath the words: I miss you. I feel like we’re drifting. That feeling is real. And validating it is what opens the door to an actual conversation.
What Validation Is Not
Let’s be clear about what validation does not mean:
It is not agreeing that someone is right.
It is not saying their behaviour is acceptable.
It is not pretending you don’t have your own perspective.
It is not being a pushover.
You can validate and still hold your ground. You can validate and still address a behaviour later. Validation is not the end of the conversation - it is the beginning of one that can actually go somewhere productive.
Why It Matters So Much
When people don’t feel validated, they escalate. The volume goes up, the accusations get bigger, the argument spirals. This isn’t manipulation - it’s simply what happens when someone feels unseen. They keep pushing because they’re trying, desperately, to feel understood.
When someone feels validated, something softens. The urgency drops. There’s room to actually talk.
This is one of the most consistently powerful shifts I witness in couples work: the moment one partner genuinely tries to understand rather than defend, the entire dynamic changes. It doesn’t require agreement. It just requires being willing to say: what you’re feeling makes sense to me.
Trying It at Home
The next time your partner expresses something - frustration, disappointment, worry - before you respond to the content of what they said, try to name the feeling underneath it:
“It sounds like you’re feeling ___.”
“I can understand why you’d feel that way given ___.”
“That makes sense.”
It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be genuine. And it will change your conversations more than almost anything else you could do.