5 Common Relationship Mistakes and How to Fix Them
In my work as a couples therapist—especially through the lens of Relational Life Therapy—I often see partners struggling not because they don’t love each other, but because they’ve fallen into patterns that quietly erode connection over time.
These relationship mistakes are incredibly common. They’re also deeply human. We don’t get a relationship handbook when we partner up (and if we did, it would need a lot of updates).
If you’ve found yourself in any of the places I describe below, you’re not alone. These are five of the most common relationship problems I see in my therapy practice—and while they may sound familiar, the good news is that awareness is the first step toward change.
Mistake #1: Complacency in Relationships
This one can sneak up on even the strongest couples. Life gets busy—the daily grind, as I like to call it. Work, kids, aging parents, the never-ending to-do list—and emotional connection slowly drifts to the back burner.
You stop asking deep questions, stop making intentional time for each other, and the relationship becomes more like a roommate situation than a romantic partnership. Over time, this kind of emotional distance can create resentment, loneliness, and even lead to affairs—not necessarily out of malice, but from a longing to feel alive and connected again.
Relational Shift: Make connection a practice, not a luxury. This doesn’t mean planning a perfect date night every week. It can be as simple as checking in daily, sharing appreciations, or setting aside 10 minutes to talk without distractions.
Mistake #2: Putting Kids Before the Relationship
This one is tender. And complicated. Of course your children matter. Of course they need you. But when the kids consistently come first—emotionally, physically, logistically—the relationship takes a hit.
I often work with couples who haven’t gone on a date in years or who no longer touch each other affectionately because the entire household runs on child-centered energy. Over time, this can leave the couple feeling more like co-parents than lovers or partners.
Relational Shift: Begin a conversation about what it means to also prioritize the relationship. This doesn’t mean neglecting your kids—it means remembering that a strong partnership creates a more secure home for everyone.
Gentle Note: This is a charged topic for many parents. We’ll explore this more deeply in a follow-up post with nuance and compassion.
Mistake #3: Always Needing to Be Right in Relationships
This is a classic trap—especially during conflict. When we get stuck in proving a point, defending ourselves, or focusing on what our partner is doing wrong, we lose sight of the deeper need underneath: to feel seen, heard, and valued.
Often, the need to be right is actually about safety. If I’m right, I feel more in control. If I’m wrong, I feel shame. But this dynamic can easily turn your partner into the enemy, and that makes true intimacy feel impossible. You can find more information about ‘being right’ in relationships here.
Relational Shift: Practice being more curious than correct. Instead of “You’re wrong,” try “Help me understand where you’re coming from.” Emotional generosity goes a long way in softening these stand-offs.
Mistake #4: Letting Reactivity Drive Your Relationship
We all get triggered—it’s part of being human. But when reactivity runs the show (yelling, stonewalling, shutting down, name-calling), it can create a cycle of rupture and retreat that feels impossible to break.
In Relational Life Therapy, we talk a lot about personal responsibility and learning how to regulate ourselves in the moment—even when our partner isn’t doing the same. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about recognizing when we’re flooding and learning to pause before we escalate. You can find more information about managing emotional reactivity here.
Relational Shift: When you feel your nervous system firing up, hit pause. Name it. Take a break. Come back when you’re grounded enough to speak from a place of connection instead of protection.
Mistake #5: Having a Narrow Definition of Sex and Intimacy
Many couples—especially in long-term relationships—struggle with mismatched desires, performance pressure, or feeling disconnected from their sexual connection. And often, at the heart of it is a narrow, scripted idea of what sex should look like.
Cultural messages (TV, porn, rom-coms, social media) often define sex in very limited ways: goal-oriented, penetrative, spontaneous, and focused on climax. But real-life intimacy doesn’t usually follow that script—and it doesn’t have to.
When sex is reduced to one specific act or outcome, it can leave partners feeling inadequate, unseen, or disconnected. It also limits the full range of emotional and physical intimacy that can be part of a healthy relationship.
Relational Shift: Try expanding your definition of sex. What if intimacy was about connection instead of performance? What if it included more touch, play, communication, presence—even moments of closeness that don’t follow a linear path? Have a conversation with your partner about what intimacy means to each of you—and what you both might want to reclaim, rediscover, or reimagine.
Final Thoughts
If you recognize yourself or your relationship in any of these mistakes, please know: that’s not a sign that your relationship is broken—it’s a sign that something needs attention.
These patterns are normal, but they’re also workable. In my subsequent newsletters, I’ll be taking a deeper look at each of these relationship challenges—why they show up, how they impact connection, and what you can begin to shift, gently and intentionally.