Reclaiming Your Aliveness: Why Self-Connection Matters in Love
It’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship—not because you’re weak or co-dependent, but because life has a way of pulling your attention outward. You focus on work deadlines, kids' needs, your partner’s moods, the household to-do list… and somewhere along the way, you stop asking:
What do I want? What do I feel? What lights me up?
This quiet disconnection from yourself is one of the more invisible ways complacency shows up in relationships. We often talk about complacency as something that happens between people—when a couple stops putting in effort, or stops communicating with intention. But just as often, it starts on the inside.
When you stop tending to your inner world, you stop bringing your full self into the relationship. The spark dims—not because the love is gone, but because you’ve slowly gone a little dim yourself.
What Does It Mean to Lose Touch With Yourself?
It can look like:
Feeling emotionally numb or checked out
Going along with plans or routines without much thought
Forgetting what brings you joy outside of your relationship or family
Dismissing your needs as “too much” or “not important right now”
Focusing all your energy on keeping the peace or meeting others’ needs
In my practice, we talk a lot about personal empowerment and the importance of owning your truth—not just in conflict, but in your day-to-day life. Because when you abandon yourself in subtle ways, you start to rely on your partner (or others) to bring all the aliveness into the connection. That’s a heavy—and unfair—load to place on someone else.
Why Self-Connection Is Relationship Work
Here’s the paradox:
The more connected you are to yourself, the more connected you can be to your partner.
When you know what you feel, want, and need, you're able to:
Communicate more clearly and confidently
Set healthy boundaries without guilt
Bring energy, passion, and creativity into the relationship
Handle conflict from a grounded place
Ask for intimacy or support in ways that actually build closeness
This isn’t about becoming self-absorbed or making everything about you. It’s about coming home to yourself—so you’re not constantly outsourcing your emotional well-being to your relationship.
Signs You Might Need to Reclaim Your Aliveness
You might notice:
You're not excited about much lately
You’ve stopped doing things just for yourself
You feel resentful, but you’re not sure why
You often feel invisible, even in the relationship
You find yourself longing for something “more,” but can’t name it
These are quiet red flags—not of failure, but of emotional disconnection. And they’re worth paying attention to.
How to Start Reconnecting With You
This isn’t about overhauling your life or booking a solo trip to Bali (though hey, if that calls to you, go for it!). It’s about small, consistent acts of tuning in. Here are a few gentle ways to begin:
Start by asking: How do I feel today?
Check in with yourself like you would a close friend. Take a breath, put your hand on your heart if that feels grounding, and just ask. You don’t need to fix anything—just notice.
Do one thing each week just because it lights you up
Not because it’s productive. Not because it’s for someone else. Just because it brings you joy. A long walk, a solo coffee date, dancing in your kitchen, a creative project—whatever feels like a “yes.”
Get curious about your longings
What are you craving lately—emotionally, physically, creatively? What have you been putting off or telling yourself isn’t practical? Your longings are clues. You don’t have to act on all of them, but it matters that you listen.
Notice your “I don’t knows”
If you ask yourself what you want or how you feel and the answer is “I don’t know,” that’s okay. It just means it’s been a while. Keep asking. Keep listening. It will come back.
Final Thoughts
You are not selfish for wanting to feel alive.
You are not broken for drifting away from yourself.
And you are not alone if it’s been a while since you’ve checked in with your own heart.
Reclaiming your aliveness is not separate from doing the work of love—it is part of the work. A connected relationship is made of two connected people. So take the first small step back to yourself. Your relationship might thank you for it.